"The slow burn of losing your current self to a future that only lives in your mind, your journals, your hopeful affirmations. Letting solid parts of your self melt into a flat, unrecognizable puddle.

 

The only evidence they existed, those parts you used to love, is the faint smell of smoke and an almost invisible film of soot on your walls.

 

There's a deep ache and loneliness in grieving your internal world. Yearning for it all back. I offer pieces of this current self to the universe in an unguaranteed exchange for a lighter future. Sometimes I offer the wrong thing- my patience, my humour, my love. The exchange is usually isolation, fear, and stagnation.

 

Other times I unclench my fists, stiff and bloodied, and bargain with the most familiar parts of myself. I put my fear, my loneliness, and my ego on the table and am offered connection, forgiveness, and expansion in return.

 

The same bloodied hands that extended to sacrifice will remain open to heal and receive what they’ve been longing for since they built this altar."